Actually I’m out of touch. You’re out of touch. None of us fully understand why so many other people think differently than we do. We try hard. We’re well-meaning and open-minded. But the most important stuff can’t be learned vicariously. You must experience it. And all of us have outrageously different experiences.
We’re only now beginning to realise how wide this chasm between experiences is. For younger people, the coolest part of the last 10 years is the connecting of different minds through social media.
But the more views we’re exposed to, the harder it is to stomach that so many different views exist. Realizing how many different views exist forces you into one of two places:
Arguing with others whose views you think are wrong, or realizing how out of touch you are with people whose experiences have led them to different views. Both are hard to deal with.
I have a theory that is based on Marshall McLuhan’s idea that the media are extensions of the human senses and our consciousness. Pre digital media our consciousness of the outside world was once largely restricted to older broadcast media with its set times and limited geographies and one-way direction of their messages. Now we are exposed to globally distributed endless social media content.
The big point is that no amount of studying or listening lets you fully understand what it was like to experience the events and issues of this content. For example, I can read a lot of military history, but will never comprehend what it’s like to be in combat. You can recreate stories, but you can’t recreate fear, adrenaline, and genuine uncertainty. So everyone who has been in combat will always have a different view about war than I do, no matter how hard I try to put myself in their shoes. The same is true for all aspects of our lives – relationships with family members, work colleagues, and new acquaintances.
“Until we know we are wrong, being wrong feels exactly like being right.” – David McRaney
All success is a lagging indicator. The good outcomes and bad outcomes are downstream from choices made long before.
image: Pegasus Seniors
Nothing comes from nowhere. Not success. Not inspiration. Not the muses. Not writer’s block. Everything is a lagging indicator of whether or not you did the work.
It’s true as a spouse too. Fifty years of marriage is a lagging indicator of how quickly arguments are resolved today, how mistakes are handled or not, and the realisation that your partner will never change.
It’s what helps me to try keep my priorities clear as a parent. I want to have an honest relationship with my kids and grandkids if I am able to—which to amounts to being honest about accepting imperfect understanding and communication and yes, even conflict.
It’s having the extended family turn up at the beach house you rented as a family. Having kids who you get to see, with whom you have a good relationship even though you disagree on many things, but can agree to disagree with each other, based on wildly different experiences and views.
Well written article dear husband, we took note